“Wanna know a secret?” he whispers into my ear as he squeezes me from behind against his body.

            “Ok,” I answer.

            “I think I’m fucking in love with you. I am in love with you,” he responds. There’s a feeling you get when you aren’t quite sure if the moment will end once we are out of the moment. I didn’t want it too end I wanted to savor every second we spent in the place we were.

            He makes me feel untouchable. He makes me feel unstoppable. He makes me feel as if I can do anything and everything I ever wanted to do. I didn’t want him to stop touching me. I didn’t want to go back to reality.

            He said I’ve never said I’ve loved him. I’ve only asked him if he realized how in love I am with him. ‘I love you,’ has always been hard for me to say because every time it’s said my world collapses.

            I do love him. I love him more than anyone I’ve ever been around. I’ve never cared so much for someone and its scares me. I was so afraid if I told him in that moment I did love him he would regret it. I didn’t want him to regret it but I secretly knew he might. I just didn’t want him to regret it in our moment.

            He said he’s never felt this way. I’ve never been so in tune with someone before. Every piece of me is addicted to every piece of him. We did it slow and careful. I wanted his entire body. I wanted him more than anything I’d have ever wanted before. 

            I want to feel this way every time but the only time I feel complete is against him. The only time I feel right is around him. After the moments end we look away from each other. So many times he’s broken my heart and I’m pretty sure it won’t be the last but it’s my addiction…

I can feel the pressure in my chest about to explode without repercussions. I want the whole damn thing to be different. I want stop feeling like the fuck-up I am. I’m tired of saying exactly the wrong thing. I’m tired of doing exactly the wrong thing. I care too much I know this. I wish someone cared as much I did so I didn’t feel as alone as I do right at this very moment. Maybe I wouldn’t be crying. Maybe I wouldn’t feel as alone as I feel at this very moment.

            It’s hopeless to wish for something that doesn’t exist isn’t it? I lack the self respect and the self confidence to have any real relationship with anyone. I spend more time wondering about what I’m doing wrong than what I am doing right. For once I want someone to tell me I worth a damn. For once I want someone to take the time to know me and understand why I am upset at this exact moment.

            He says he doesn’t understand why no one wants me and I’m beginning to wonder why anyone would want me. What does he really see? All I see is a sad girl who is in constant emotional agony about not being good enough for the people around her. I want for someone to care about my feelings like I care about theirs. I’m asking too much I guess.

            I’m mad he can’t love me. I’m mad he can be with me one way and take it back the next. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired of feeling complete one second and incomplete the next. I want to know why I keep doing what I’m doing when I know later its going to feel like someone rip my heart from my chest.

            I want to know why he can want me so bad and no one else wants me at all. The worst feeling is this exact feeling I feel right now, damaged. Maybe all I’m good for is the sex and nothing more. After all is said and done I’m the one alone and you’re not. You just remember that…

You watched the moments unfold like a badly scripted movie. He plays the same lines. He gives the same cheap compliments. He gives the same cocky smile, you know the one, the one that should give his scheme away but you are too blind to it all. The next thing you know he’s playing you like the last few have. And once again you swear up and down it’s the last time but a week later the cycle starts over again.

                Like I said the games are done. I’m done. Last week I heard the same lines. Last week I was given the same smile. I’m getting better at this shitty game. For now on I will do what I please because these games get old after awhile. I don’t care if you have 6 months, or 6 days left before you leave for another state or another country.  I’m over the games. I’m over the boys who are just that, boys. I’m over the sexy smile and sugar-coated words. I’m beginning to realize my type is asshole.

                If I hear one more time, “I’m not like other guys,” I just may scream. If I hear one more, “I didn’t realize you were so damn beautiful,” I’m going to just walk away because honestly so far only assholes use those lines I’m down right sick of assholes.

                I’m over the whole scene.  I will do my own thing and be my own person. If someone does like it I can point them to the door. If a guy things I’m just another girl he can mess with I will also show him the door. I’m over it. Maybe just maybe this time it will be different…